New Couple Experiences Drinking Drama

Dear Jdaddy:

My partner, Allen, and I moved in together last fall after meeting online and dating for a couple of months. We both moved from small towns to the big city and started new jobs, so there's been a lot of external stress on our relationship.

There's about nine years difference between us. Allen came directly from his mother's home and this is his first time in a relationship. I'm the older partner and I've been around the block a couple of times, in terms of life experience.

My work takes me out on the road a lot and I find more and more I'm enjoying being away from him. When we first got together, he expected me to be home every night and wanted to do everything together. Then, when I would have to be away from home, he would get upset, want to know exactly when I would return and we would have terrible arguments. We'd make up for a few days and then the cycle would repeat itself.

I'll own up to my part of the problem. I drink too much sometimes. He at first would try to match me drink for drink, but because he's younger, he couldn't handle that. Then he would nag at me to stop drinking so much. I know I may have a problem with alcohol, but I'm not ready to deal with it. And frankly, I'm starting to get tired of all his drama. I talk about breaking up, he freaks out and then we make up and go on fine for a few days and then the cycle starts all over again. On one occasion, we took our show on the road and ended up in a fistfight at a relative's house. We got kicked out for the evening.

Because of some positive things happening in my career, I'm about to move to a bigger city. I'm wondering if breaking up with Allen is an inevitability and wonder if we should make a clean break before we uproot ourselves again. What do you think?

Shawn

Dear Shawn:

If there's another career move involved, it would be unfair to make Allen uproot himself again if you're likely to break up, in my opinion.

Have you considered separate residences? The problem may be that neither of you are ready for a permanent relationship under the same roof, but actually would both be better off staying single and being "friends with benefits" when you both have time to get together.

Too many people --- and I've learned this from personal experience --- tend to assume that all relationships, gay or straight, have to end up in a marriage-like situation. I remember hearing the great comic actress Carol Burnett talk about whether she wanted another man in her life after her divorce. She said, "No, I think I like being single. I wouldn't mind having a man live next door, though."

You acknowledge that you have a problem with alcohol, but you're not ready to deal with it. Nothing that Allen can do will make you willing to change --- that will have to come when you're ready to do it. It sounds like he's learned something about co-dependency in his relationship with you --- he tried to imitate you and then he tried to force you to stop. Neither is a good solution.

What Allen may need is to find some supportive friends who will provide him with an outlet to express his concerns about you and your mutual relationship. People who listen without judgment.

There are 12-step type support groups both for substance abusers and the people who care about them. Since you presently live in a large city, I'd suggest looking up Alcoholics Anonymous and Alanon in local phone directories. And if 12-step recovery programs aren't the right fit for you, there may be other programs available. I think some professional counseling for you two as a couple and as individuals might be in order.

JDADDY